INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*