A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Meow
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
181.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car