A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
You Might Also Like
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
🤣🤣
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Put a ring on it
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness