“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.