Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My brain is a bad influence on me
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying