It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
im 7 sauces long
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?