I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*