Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
You Might Also Like
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread