Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*