INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Are we there yet?…
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.