AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt