Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
You Might Also Like
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂