My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine