Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Oh yeah that’s it
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.