When does CPR become necrophilia?
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.