[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I love the honesty
this post was so formative to me
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape