Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.