IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Introverted vegans go meetless
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”