Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate