rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!