[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You Might Also Like
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?