[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I created you as mosquito food.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Self-cleaning conscience
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.