If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.