[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Weirdly Wednesday.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’