I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”