My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird