*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
This is not me but this is me
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Meowchelangelo
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
guilty
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.