Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Thursday
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.