alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
You Might Also Like
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
This kid will have a bright future.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
How do you like your Corgi?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I am laughing way too hard at this.