If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
car not found
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.