Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*