Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
SPLOOT
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I bet
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
how to have an accident 101
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!