Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets