If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
i have one speed and it’s mosey
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Okay me first
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not