You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag