[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them