It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.