when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
OMG 🤣🤣
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”