Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
only 11 steps left
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.