When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
tell em, edith-anne
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Tastes like chicken.