Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?