1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”