I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness