I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
From Facebook just now…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon