It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories