I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Cndnsd Mlk
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail