I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
October already? What’s next? November????
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched