Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now