My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?