My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
hackers play passwordle
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
same vibe as tangled headphones
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit